i am scared. really scared. if i could be petrified i would, but i can't because i actually have to get on that plane!
and to be honest, i really don't want to have any sort of group thing to send me off.
but whatever, mrs. dalloway will always be mrs. dalloway. and i "must assemble."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
things to do before i die
- go to france, and get impossibly lost there
- taste as many martinis out there
- record myself, for a day, or week.
- taste as many martinis out there
- record myself, for a day, or week.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
i think...
this might be a hunch, but i think i like andrew lam, or if i don't like him now, i think i will like him by the end of the week.
Monday, June 23, 2008
"upset"
today's topic is "upset."
the funny thing about being upset is that in order to be upset, you need to have some sort of expectation(s) about the outcome. and mind you, these expectations are pretty likely to happen--that's why you expect them. put mathematically so that people who prefer facts and figures can accept more easily, expectations should happen when you believe that there is a 60% or greater chance of it happening.
so yesterday night, i was pretty upset. really, really. it retrospect, it was very, very stupid. and, i believe that i also made it (the situation, i mean) much more awkward and complicated. normally, when i am upset, i usually ignore it, and try my best to hide it from the party that had upset me. when things are less complicated, i would tell them, very casually, very cooly, very colloquially, that yes, in fact, i was upset at them for quite a while because of this reason, and that fact. those moments are told when that person is in a good mood; because usually, when people upset me, i expect (see the notes on expectations and upsets above) that something bothered them earlier. so it's best to do confrontations in good or neutral moods, because things are less likely to flare up. and then, after the party realizes, there is an "oh really? i'm sorry!" expression or something very similar to it. then, because i've been over it, i would say "it's okay. i'm over it :)" and would change the topic swiftly to something very lighthearted.
in situations like that, feelings are less hurt, and situations don't become very awkward. so things are better, better, better. but yesterday, i was upset. tres upset, indeed. again, to help the mathematically-inclined audience/readers understand, i had an expected yield of ninety...seven percent; you see, it's very high, so it's natural that i would be very upset, right? right. and because i was very upset, i myself did something that potentially made the party that i had a conversation with mad (but i hope that party doesn't stay very mad, and if that party is mad, i hope not for very long).
and before i continue, i should asterisk a strange behavior. call it a superpower that i cannot yet control, and probably will never be able to control, or whatever term Freud may have. even in the most extreme of situations (whether it be anger, grief, depression, happiness, whatever, etc.) i still have an "ability," a "superpower," to think of what it must be like in the other party's shoes. ...or maybe that's what guilt is. either way, it makes being angry at a person or a group of people very difficult.
so i signed on and explained myself. then i excused myself and signed off very abruptly. because i was (and still a bit am) upset.
this is my situation, presently. for the mathematically-inclined, things are difficult now because it is not just a simple single-variable calculus problem, but a multiple-variable situation, and therefore, much more difficult. (i mention "mathematically-inclined" often because some people are more left-brained and some people are more right-brained, so for one, facts and numbers are easier to understand and for the other, feelings.)
and the variables involved in this problem are: the upset feeling at a decreasing rate (dy/dx), time (x), change in time (dx), confusion (u), awkwardness (alpha), anxiety (beta), and a strong desire for things to just to be forgotten (theta).
...very, very, very difficult indeed.
there is a currently a new voicemail in my phone, which i did not finish listening to. i've tried multiple times, but it pains me every time i do. it's sort of like looking back at a test that i received a bad grade on. a bad, nasty feeling.
so, officially, i am at a loss of what to do.
the funny thing about being upset is that in order to be upset, you need to have some sort of expectation(s) about the outcome. and mind you, these expectations are pretty likely to happen--that's why you expect them. put mathematically so that people who prefer facts and figures can accept more easily, expectations should happen when you believe that there is a 60% or greater chance of it happening.
so yesterday night, i was pretty upset. really, really. it retrospect, it was very, very stupid. and, i believe that i also made it (the situation, i mean) much more awkward and complicated. normally, when i am upset, i usually ignore it, and try my best to hide it from the party that had upset me. when things are less complicated, i would tell them, very casually, very cooly, very colloquially, that yes, in fact, i was upset at them for quite a while because of this reason, and that fact. those moments are told when that person is in a good mood; because usually, when people upset me, i expect (see the notes on expectations and upsets above) that something bothered them earlier. so it's best to do confrontations in good or neutral moods, because things are less likely to flare up. and then, after the party realizes, there is an "oh really? i'm sorry!" expression or something very similar to it. then, because i've been over it, i would say "it's okay. i'm over it :)" and would change the topic swiftly to something very lighthearted.
in situations like that, feelings are less hurt, and situations don't become very awkward. so things are better, better, better. but yesterday, i was upset. tres upset, indeed. again, to help the mathematically-inclined audience/readers understand, i had an expected yield of ninety...seven percent; you see, it's very high, so it's natural that i would be very upset, right? right. and because i was very upset, i myself did something that potentially made the party that i had a conversation with mad (but i hope that party doesn't stay very mad, and if that party is mad, i hope not for very long).
and before i continue, i should asterisk a strange behavior. call it a superpower that i cannot yet control, and probably will never be able to control, or whatever term Freud may have. even in the most extreme of situations (whether it be anger, grief, depression, happiness, whatever, etc.) i still have an "ability," a "superpower," to think of what it must be like in the other party's shoes. ...or maybe that's what guilt is. either way, it makes being angry at a person or a group of people very difficult.
so i signed on and explained myself. then i excused myself and signed off very abruptly. because i was (and still a bit am) upset.
this is my situation, presently. for the mathematically-inclined, things are difficult now because it is not just a simple single-variable calculus problem, but a multiple-variable situation, and therefore, much more difficult. (i mention "mathematically-inclined" often because some people are more left-brained and some people are more right-brained, so for one, facts and numbers are easier to understand and for the other, feelings.)
and the variables involved in this problem are: the upset feeling at a decreasing rate (dy/dx), time (x), change in time (dx), confusion (u), awkwardness (alpha), anxiety (beta), and a strong desire for things to just to be forgotten (theta).
...very, very, very difficult indeed.
there is a currently a new voicemail in my phone, which i did not finish listening to. i've tried multiple times, but it pains me every time i do. it's sort of like looking back at a test that i received a bad grade on. a bad, nasty feeling.
so, officially, i am at a loss of what to do.
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