yeah, okay sure, i'll blog

more than a dozen days of college and i find myself...actually i'm not quite sure.

there are the fun moments when you're with your friends and being happy, carefree, and so chillax that i don't care what the carpe diem's going on; and then there's these moments that i feel swamped and intimidated--intimidated by the plethora of things i should be doing, what i need to do, what i've yet to do, and what the repercussions are.

technically speaking, i'm an adult because i've lived for eighteen plus years. the only problem is that i don't feel like i've matured or gained enough intellectual wisdom to call myself an adult. but because of my age, i've found myself sometimes feeling phony-licious because i don't act the way i do...or did.

i wonder if this is a sign that i am growing and indeed maturing into an adult, or if i am still the little girl who likes to dress up in her parent's work clothes and pretend to be bigger and older.

another question is whether it even matters at all. it sounds very utilitarian, but if the end is good, and if the process does not hurt anyone around me, should i care about what is happening so much? introspection is great because it helps a person discover something about who he/she is. but too much just leads to more, unanswered questions that leaves said person boggled and confused about their whole being.

i think this is one of the many reasons why i don't blog so often. i don't like knowing that there are so many uncertainties about myself, i don't like finding my flaws, i don't like discovering how i've repeated some of my mistakes--most of all, i don't like feeling exasperated and thinking "shit, i don't have a clue what i'm doing and i don't know where i'm going."


yesterday, there was a plant sale out on the paresky lawn. i was so amped, and wanted to buy a cactus. the idea was fun, because, i reasoned half-jokingly to anyone who would listen, "if i buy a cactus, i can have a plant and and defensive weapon. yeah, if someone tries to attack me, i can throw the plant at them!"

there were cactii for sale at a moderately cheap price. cactii are also very easy to take care of. i've also walked back and forth paresky lawn several times yesterday, but i found myself unable to purchase a plant. i really, really couldn't.

and the only reason that i could think of was that i didn't want to have a commitment. plants, as innocent and decorative as they are, are live creatures. they need to be taken care of. if i do a good job, they'll last forever, even longer than me and onto my children. if my children do not take care of my baby cactus, that baby cactus will die, and the idea that my kin had destroyed something i've worked so hard to take care of (presumably) truly perturbs me.
but what if the cactus dies in my care?
well, that's even worse. if i'm going to kill something, then why would i buy it and waste money? i'll kill it!

my almost-relationship with a cactus plant also made me question my (lack-of) romantic life. am i single because i'm noncommittal?

...i sincerely wish i knew.