what if all your hard work didn't matter?
i know that it does, and i know that it should, but..what if it really didn't, and with a stroke of (bad) luck, you fail? (if it ended up with great success, then hey, shut up and feel bad for the rest of the people who worked hard for it and be humble about your fortunes and attributes)
would trying have been worth if if the outcome still ends up in misery?
that's a scary thought: now transcend, and press onwards. 2200something, here i come! (:<
Friday, June 29, 2007
the general idea/ulterior motive
well, think of it this way, you're not that attractive, darling, so your chances of marrying a "charming, humorous, chivalrous, intelligent" man is less than one percent. so there's only one thing to do, and that would be to study harder for the SATs, get into some fabulously prestigious university, make enough money, and buy yourself happiness. for those who say that happiness can't be bought, they're either not rich enough or not creative enough. you, my dear, are creative enough, you just need to be rich. two twins can sit in a bar, and if one said "i attend harvard university (and will probably make zillions)" versus her sister who says "i attend mission college" the boy is going to pick the former because she guarantees a good life, and intellectual conversations.
besides that, just saying i attend harvard makes you ten times more attractive. beauty fades, but harvard will always be prestigious, and will always be attractive.
besides that, just saying i attend harvard makes you ten times more attractive. beauty fades, but harvard will always be prestigious, and will always be attractive.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
hope exists!
this might seem trivial and not worth mentioning -- not to mention superstitious and downright retarded (to some people who do not believe in superstition) -- but it did bring a smile to my face.
two conjectures from the magic 8 ball reading:
1. there exist charming, humorous, chivalrous, and intelligent boys/guys that will turn into men -- so HOPE(!) exists, and there's at least a very, very, very, very, very(!) slim chance that one of them might be for me!
2. i will fall in love with a charming, humorous, chivalrous, intelligent man. not necessarily in that order, but he will have all those characteristics. yay!
- codename: aipod
Friday, June 22, 2007
realization
this is the moment when i feel like i've failed and have lost everything, and definitely, this new low certainly trumps any low i've had. if possible, i feel branded as a loser. and i really do hope that i do make it into a good college.
at this rate, i just hope that i make it into a UC.
"...these, my friend, are the moments when you wish you could start life over--or end it completely." - miyako.
P.S.:
miyako is a pseudonym of mine. sometimes, in my idyllic mind wandering, i create alter-egos that represent myself. miyako, in japanese, can mean "beautiful(mi) night(ya) child(ko)," which describe a bit about me; i was born on a beautiful night. the beautiful night represents some aspects of pleasantry, in other words, "a dream," since i was born in march, this would mean that it is a pleasant dream that sprung forth a "ko" - child - which would represent myself (or, at least, that's what i interpreted when i chanced upon the name). there's also something charming about a "beautiful night child" -- a dreamlike qualit that has some sort of mystery, and tranquility to it. (since i'm a vain child, you can see why i'd interpret it this way...afterall, don't we want to be seen as something more wonderful and more extraordinary than we really are?
"miya" can also mean "sacred house," so miyako would then be "a child from a sacred house." the tran family, my ancestors, were relatives of the royal tran dynasty in vietnam, once upon a time. however, there's really no point in saying this since there aren't any evidence, and just about any "tran" can claim this, therefor i will adjust that the tran lineage, which i came from, have been around for a long time, which symbolizes its sanctity. (consequently, my mom came from the "le" family, which also "have been around for a long time.") therefore any child coming from a sacred house must have respect as well as duty -- another filial obligation, another accountability, another moral imperative...
P.P.S.: i wonder why i always try to end whatever i may say, write, perform, or do on a slightly uplifting note...is it because i don't want others to focus on my weakness that i shared and that this is a way to divert the reader's attention, or is it because i'm an optimist. perhaps it's both. we'll compromise and say that it's both. (for now, at least.)
good"night" to you. good"morning," nocturnals, it's 12 AM, are you awake yet?
-iloveyouplatonically, codename: aipod
at this rate, i just hope that i make it into a UC.
"...these, my friend, are the moments when you wish you could start life over--or end it completely." - miyako.
P.S.:
miyako is a pseudonym of mine. sometimes, in my idyllic mind wandering, i create alter-egos that represent myself. miyako, in japanese, can mean "beautiful(mi) night(ya) child(ko)," which describe a bit about me; i was born on a beautiful night. the beautiful night represents some aspects of pleasantry, in other words, "a dream," since i was born in march, this would mean that it is a pleasant dream that sprung forth a "ko" - child - which would represent myself (or, at least, that's what i interpreted when i chanced upon the name). there's also something charming about a "beautiful night child" -- a dreamlike qualit that has some sort of mystery, and tranquility to it. (since i'm a vain child, you can see why i'd interpret it this way...afterall, don't we want to be seen as something more wonderful and more extraordinary than we really are?
"miya" can also mean "sacred house," so miyako would then be "a child from a sacred house." the tran family, my ancestors, were relatives of the royal tran dynasty in vietnam, once upon a time. however, there's really no point in saying this since there aren't any evidence, and just about any "tran" can claim this, therefor i will adjust that the tran lineage, which i came from, have been around for a long time, which symbolizes its sanctity. (consequently, my mom came from the "le" family, which also "have been around for a long time.") therefore any child coming from a sacred house must have respect as well as duty -- another filial obligation, another accountability, another moral imperative...
P.P.S.: i wonder why i always try to end whatever i may say, write, perform, or do on a slightly uplifting note...is it because i don't want others to focus on my weakness that i shared and that this is a way to divert the reader's attention, or is it because i'm an optimist. perhaps it's both. we'll compromise and say that it's both. (for now, at least.)
good"night" to you. good"morning," nocturnals, it's 12 AM, are you awake yet?
-iloveyouplatonically, codename: aipod
a "quiet" moment
sometimes, i wish i was perfect, so i wouldn't have to worry about anything, but then again, i think everyone wants that, too.
i've no crushes, love interest, or romantic episode lately; that, in itself, is already disappointing. however, i will say that house of mirth, by wharton, is truly fascinating. her discretion and train of thought is somewhat similar to mine, except for the fact that i'm the way i am more by choice than the protagonist (lily bart) is; and lily bart, because she is a fictional character written by a woman who thrives to succeed her society and gender role, will actually have a happy ending.
today, a thought which has struck me oftentimes before re-visited me, and therefore strengthened my familiarity and belief in it: fate are writers capable of controling a person's storyline. this first thought came to me when a part of me wished that i was a character in a book -- my life has already been dictated by those around me, so why not have an official omnipotent entity decide and write my fate for me? then the part of me that saw flaws in things pointed out that there are flaws in that thinking, for there are different genres of books--what what should happen if my author-slash-fate happened to write about the less rosy genres (e.g. horror, death, pain, mystery, etc)? to be sure, that would be the end of me--i'd take drugs, find myself in a dark alleyway with lascivious men with malevolent intentions, be ruined, be betrayed and backstabbed, i'd take drugs, or literally be drowned by sorrows...no thanks to those fate, indubitably! and anyways, after indulging the myriad of scary ideas and the plethora of how many ways i would be doomed, there was an amendment that, should anyone be allowed to write my life as if i were a character, i'd want to be a happy, perfect, minor character, that, after some melodramatic episodes in high school, and possibly college, i'd find a charming, smart, handsome, loyal, kind, and funny boy (around my age -- 3 years my senior, max)who loves me for who i am, and would allow me to be carefree and, despite what i may do (and whom i may do, for that matter) he'd remain faithful, and would love and forgive me just the same without being a pushover, at the same time.
...as the magic-8 predicted: "not likely"
to be sure, i'm completely crestfallen when the chance that i might not find my "soulmate," as some would call it, makes me terribly sad and lonely.
rest assured though, i shan't be lowering my expectations, because there is faith and i am still young(!), and i shan't be rebounding--i learned that this year. not a good thing to do.
i've no crushes, love interest, or romantic episode lately; that, in itself, is already disappointing. however, i will say that house of mirth, by wharton, is truly fascinating. her discretion and train of thought is somewhat similar to mine, except for the fact that i'm the way i am more by choice than the protagonist (lily bart) is; and lily bart, because she is a fictional character written by a woman who thrives to succeed her society and gender role, will actually have a happy ending.
today, a thought which has struck me oftentimes before re-visited me, and therefore strengthened my familiarity and belief in it: fate are writers capable of controling a person's storyline. this first thought came to me when a part of me wished that i was a character in a book -- my life has already been dictated by those around me, so why not have an official omnipotent entity decide and write my fate for me? then the part of me that saw flaws in things pointed out that there are flaws in that thinking, for there are different genres of books--what what should happen if my author-slash-fate happened to write about the less rosy genres (e.g. horror, death, pain, mystery, etc)? to be sure, that would be the end of me--i'd take drugs, find myself in a dark alleyway with lascivious men with malevolent intentions, be ruined, be betrayed and backstabbed, i'd take drugs, or literally be drowned by sorrows...no thanks to those fate, indubitably! and anyways, after indulging the myriad of scary ideas and the plethora of how many ways i would be doomed, there was an amendment that, should anyone be allowed to write my life as if i were a character, i'd want to be a happy, perfect, minor character, that, after some melodramatic episodes in high school, and possibly college, i'd find a charming, smart, handsome, loyal, kind, and funny boy (around my age -- 3 years my senior, max)who loves me for who i am, and would allow me to be carefree and, despite what i may do (and whom i may do, for that matter) he'd remain faithful, and would love and forgive me just the same without being a pushover, at the same time.
...as the magic-8 predicted: "not likely"
to be sure, i'm completely crestfallen when the chance that i might not find my "soulmate," as some would call it, makes me terribly sad and lonely.
rest assured though, i shan't be lowering my expectations, because there is faith and i am still young(!), and i shan't be rebounding--i learned that this year. not a good thing to do.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
a letter from mr. gullion
"Ai, what a pleasure it's been having you in photo class. You trly are a special person. I've never crossed paths with a student whose spirit I could feel with such purity and wisdom."
"Insight:
"I understand myself to be a social ascetic. Rather than practice my domestication, I choose to suffer the arrows of indignant precept; the stares and glares that represent conditioned response. I choose to invent my condition through intentionality. There is much freedom in unlearning teachings that could our vision. What is seen under conditioned response, through conditioned sight, is rarely what it is. To see with claritya nd accuracy is to look at a picture upside down: to see everything over again for the first time.
"On the infinitely fine razors edge, nothing is ever the same. As it is, is as it was, as quickly as it is. there is no beginning, there is no end, there is only pure potential. And only action makes change,a nd change is all that is constant. Everything is everything, as nothing is everything, as everything is nothing. The constant flow of the universe is only interrupted by the spaces between light and dark. That is the space I seek when I medidtate. (Transcend).
"the spirit in me acknoledges the spirit in you. "Namaste" Alone we are local beings living our own dream. Together we are non local beings in the universal dream; and we are as we dream to be.
"this writing is from you to me, in that these words are yours from me: it's like seeing yourself throug the eyes of another.
"'Your are waht your deepest desire is. As is your desire so is your intention. As is your intention, so is your will. As is your will, so is your deed. As is your deed, so is your destiny.' 'Our destiny ultimately comes form the deepest level of desire and also form the deepest level of intention. The two are ultimately linked to each other.'
"you have been well and wisely nurtured. YOu radiate warmth and respect towards those who have taught you. YOu too are a teacher. 'Sat chit Ananda'
"With love and best wishes,
*signature*
Richard Gullion"
it was a nice letter until he chose to mention weird things and call me yesterday. i found that kind of weird and the intrusion was not expected and not welcomed, as it is highly unorthodox.
"Insight:
"I understand myself to be a social ascetic. Rather than practice my domestication, I choose to suffer the arrows of indignant precept; the stares and glares that represent conditioned response. I choose to invent my condition through intentionality. There is much freedom in unlearning teachings that could our vision. What is seen under conditioned response, through conditioned sight, is rarely what it is. To see with claritya nd accuracy is to look at a picture upside down: to see everything over again for the first time.
"On the infinitely fine razors edge, nothing is ever the same. As it is, is as it was, as quickly as it is. there is no beginning, there is no end, there is only pure potential. And only action makes change,a nd change is all that is constant. Everything is everything, as nothing is everything, as everything is nothing. The constant flow of the universe is only interrupted by the spaces between light and dark. That is the space I seek when I medidtate. (Transcend).
"the spirit in me acknoledges the spirit in you. "Namaste" Alone we are local beings living our own dream. Together we are non local beings in the universal dream; and we are as we dream to be.
"this writing is from you to me, in that these words are yours from me: it's like seeing yourself throug the eyes of another.
"'Your are waht your deepest desire is. As is your desire so is your intention. As is your intention, so is your will. As is your will, so is your deed. As is your deed, so is your destiny.' 'Our destiny ultimately comes form the deepest level of desire and also form the deepest level of intention. The two are ultimately linked to each other.'
"you have been well and wisely nurtured. YOu radiate warmth and respect towards those who have taught you. YOu too are a teacher. 'Sat chit Ananda'
"With love and best wishes,
*signature*
Richard Gullion"
it was a nice letter until he chose to mention weird things and call me yesterday. i found that kind of weird and the intrusion was not expected and not welcomed, as it is highly unorthodox.
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