a "quiet" moment

sometimes, i wish i was perfect, so i wouldn't have to worry about anything, but then again, i think everyone wants that, too.

i've no crushes, love interest, or romantic episode lately; that, in itself, is already disappointing. however, i will say that house of mirth, by wharton, is truly fascinating. her discretion and train of thought is somewhat similar to mine, except for the fact that i'm the way i am more by choice than the protagonist (lily bart) is; and lily bart, because she is a fictional character written by a woman who thrives to succeed her society and gender role, will actually have a happy ending.

today, a thought which has struck me oftentimes before re-visited me, and therefore strengthened my familiarity and belief in it: fate are writers capable of controling a person's storyline. this first thought came to me when a part of me wished that i was a character in a book -- my life has already been dictated by those around me, so why not have an official omnipotent entity decide and write my fate for me? then the part of me that saw flaws in things pointed out that there are flaws in that thinking, for there are different genres of books--what what should happen if my author-slash-fate happened to write about the less rosy genres (e.g. horror, death, pain, mystery, etc)? to be sure, that would be the end of me--i'd take drugs, find myself in a dark alleyway with lascivious men with malevolent intentions, be ruined, be betrayed and backstabbed, i'd take drugs, or literally be drowned by sorrows...no thanks to those fate, indubitably! and anyways, after indulging the myriad of scary ideas and the plethora of how many ways i would be doomed, there was an amendment that, should anyone be allowed to write my life as if i were a character, i'd want to be a happy, perfect, minor character, that, after some melodramatic episodes in high school, and possibly college, i'd find a charming, smart, handsome, loyal, kind, and funny boy (around my age -- 3 years my senior, max)who loves me for who i am, and would allow me to be carefree and, despite what i may do (and whom i may do, for that matter) he'd remain faithful, and would love and forgive me just the same without being a pushover, at the same time.

...as the magic-8 predicted: "not likely"

to be sure, i'm completely crestfallen when the chance that i might not find my "soulmate," as some would call it, makes me terribly sad and lonely.
rest assured though, i shan't be lowering my expectations, because there is faith and i am still young(!), and i shan't be rebounding--i learned that this year. not a good thing to do.